Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
