Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
