i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
