Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
