Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
