I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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