I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
