I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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