Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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