My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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