The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm both gender and math confused
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
