it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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