The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The power of my boobs compel you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
