I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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