guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
