Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
