If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
