Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
