direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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