I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
