new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Found your dick twin last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
