Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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