Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
