The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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