he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
