I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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