I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
