Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
be right there i have to get my cape
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
