he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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