I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
