yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
