Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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