you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
