They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
