Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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