Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
