is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
