before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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