I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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