I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
