textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
