Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
