areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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