Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
