She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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