I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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