My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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