9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
