So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
