you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
