Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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