oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
