I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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