I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
