I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
