spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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