My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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