what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I could make wine with my vomit
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize