I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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